COMPLAIN-O-TRON

I try to keep upbeat on the blog, I really do. I may make sardonic remarks or allude to my pessimistic side, but I really wish I was as upbeat and happy as I sound in most of the posts. But, since this is my realm, and seeing how my New Year's Resolution was to be more honest about my true self and emotions, I feel that I need to share with you readers. You also will notice I disabled the blog comments. Mostly because I'm just complaining, and am not looking for your pity or to bum you out.


I've battled depression for years. In high school, my fear of being thought of as anything less than the perfect child and student drove me to overachieve and hide the sense of hopelessness and fear and despair I felt every day. In college, my fear morphed into being thought of as a failure and soiled, so I hid my shortcomings, fear and rapes. Absolutely the worst thing I could've done, but at the time I felt I had no other avenue beside suicide. And I was not ready to give up entirely. Over the past few years, I have worked to regain my sense of security, and build up my other psychological shortcomings.


I've regained some of my fire and passion, but my confidence has morphed into rage. It is often ill directed, and occasionally self destructive, but I'm doing my best to better myself. My fear of abandonment, stemming from knowledge of my adoption, is something I will always struggle with, but it had been doing much better. My emotional remoteness from the people I consider to be the ones I love is another area I've struggled with. The childish fear that prevents me from expressing my love and gratitude also entices me to chase after people who may be detrimental in the long run. Thank God my close friends and family know that my teasing and caustic demeanor are my attempts at expressing that affection.


These past weeks have been an emotional rollercoaster I haven't boarded since my last breakdown. I'm terrified that my medication is no longer working, but I'm worried that these extremes are going to be a part of my new emotionally available lifestyle. I hate feeling hopeless, out of control, confused, or being told what to do or feel. But, over my analytical moments, I've realized that there is nothing I can do. I need to accept and embrace this. Let go and let God, as the 12 Steps say.


Life is changing, I don't like it, but I have to accept it.


Thank you, those of you that read this, and I promise to get back to the ridiculous fashion opinions tomorrow.