NABLOPOMO: Tell us about the first time you were in love.

Ugh, love. The greatest and most awful human emotion, in my opinion. I don't believe that anyone would or could ever love me, and I don't know where that conviction stems from. Either my crippling social awkwardness during puberty, the low self-esteem I carried for most of puberty, or my irrational fear of being abandoned.

Despite my wild-child, devil-may-care approach to "dating" and relationships, I've been in love with two men. Actually, that isn't so surprising for someone who prefers casual sex to commited relationships. If I don't have sex with someone I have an emotional investment in, then any betrayal or breakup will hurt less. My views on love and how to relate to people are absolutely not healthy, and do cause quite a bit of issues.

The man pictured wasn't my first love, but he does hold the distinction of being the only other man I loved. He passed away over three years ago, and I found out about his death from my first love. Yeah, that phone call will be forever memorable for myriad reasons. Needless to say, I didn't handle it very well at all.

Falling in love, for me, was dreadful and horrible. The lack of rationality, the inability to control my emotions and actions around the individual, and my superpower of over thinking everything, makes it a control freak's nightmare. It's a struggle I constantly am battling, and I'm not so sure that letting love win is worth risking the relationships I have.

I'd like to think so, but I'm too scared to find out.