TIPS FOR AIRPORT SURVIVAL

Hello darling readers! As you read this, I am getting ready to board my flight and buy as much alcohol as they are legally allowed to sell me in the air. I wanted to set something up to keep my updating progress, so I decided on Ari's Airport Survival Techniques!



Pre-Flight:
Ordering tickets blows the big one. Any traveler knows that. All those commercials and pop-ups offering AMAZING DEALS on tickets and LOWEST FARE ANYWHERE can drive a person bonkers. And hunting them out, ugh. Hate them.


The best bet for getting a good deal on tickets is to look for tickets around 1:00 AM on Wednesdays, as that's when airlines usually clear out reserved seats that customers haven't paid for. Also, avoid buying tickets 7 days or a month before the departure date, as that's when airlines usually jack the price up. Signing up for newsletters from some sites will also alert you to deals that only members are privy to. I prefer Ebates.com, but plenty of sites exist depending on your preferences.


To ease worries about GETTING to and from the airport, see if the airport offers a shuttle service. Most of them do, and the rates can be more reasonable than taxi service. If not, snag the taxi! I always worry about taxis, because I watch way too many slasher flicks.

PACKING:
I covered packing a while back, two months or so, but not with the handy rules from the TSA. With the changes in security, the best bet is to travel naked. In real life, checking a bag is much more "liquid" friendly than doing a carry-on, but you do pay a hefty price, depending on the airline. I'm lucky, since my folks usually drive up North, I can put all my makeup, toiletries, and other "non approved" stuff in a bag and send it off with them, so all I worry about is clothing.

If you don't have a similar luxury, and don't wish to check a bag, follow the 3-1-1 guideline: 3 oz of liquid, all containers in a 1 quart clear baggie with 1 baggie per passenger. You can carry more, but you need to keep them in a separate baggie and be sure to declare them to personnel at each checkpoint. And if that's too big of a hassle, once you get through the security points, you can usually buy travel-sized supplies at stores in the terminals. Toss them on your way home!

AT THE AIRPORT:
Airport terminals can really be meccas of fun, if you keep an open mind and don't limit your curiosity to the cover of the latest rag mag. There's bookstores, restaurants, bars, shops, Starbucks, and plenty of people watching. If you get bored easily (guilty) then you can always bring a novel, iPod, or other small item of entertainment for passing your downtime.

ON-BOARD HAZARDS:

• BABIES - Screaming little munchkin? Carry a small stuffed plush or bag of Cheerios in your carry on to distract the terror angel.
  


• CHILDREN - More advanced than BABIES, these hazards can play the fun game of "Kick the Seat" or "Ask a Bazillion Questions Before Landing" or "Whine and Complain". Keep gum, crayons, and cash on hand. For a kicker, tell him if he goes without kicking the seats, he'll get five bucks when you land. Interrogator gets the crayons, and whiner gets the gum.
  


• SEATMATE - Like with salesmen, telemarketers, and over-zealous admirers, you need to mount an overwhelming offensive. Assert your dominance, and don't back down no matter what. Even if you are in the wrong seat.
  


• NON-ATTENTIVE ATTENDANT - Leave them alone. They are trying to do their job and may know 1000 Ways to Kill a Man with a Blanket. Plus, they have access to booze and you don't mess with your supplier.
  


• MINDLESS TALKER - Find them and smother them. IMMEDIATELY.
  


• GUY WITH ANNOYING LAUGH - I usually encounter these individuals on late night flights when the whole cabin is trying to get some sleep. They had a little too much time between their Charlotte and Houston connector, and spent the time getting wasted. The only solution is to sneak up behind them, put pressure on the major veins and arteries in their neck for 10 seconds or until they stop laughing. It's like the Vulcan death grip.
  

Hope some of this tickled you! Wish you all were with me, and I'll see you soon!